joyfulparent
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"Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to her needs fully during each stage of her life, she can be done with that stage and move on." —Naomi Aldort
There is a certain show with a certain nanny who is British (or is she?) that makes me very angry to even think about. I have only watched it a few times. I always have to turn it off because I end up yelling at the television! She is so far off base when it comes to having a loving, authentic relationship with your child. I feel sad that some parents buy into her advice. I have such empathy for the children. I also have empathy for the parents because they must be so disconnected from themselves that they are desperate enough to reach out to a woman who doesn’t even have children herself. She has made claims that she has many years of child care experience. It frightens me to think she is deemed an “expert”. Read more...
If I am not being present with my kids, I respond to them with a comment that has been preprogrammed in me. I respond without really thinking. I always know when I do this because they give me a funny look, or they call me on the carpet. This jerks me back into the present moment. I often wonder exactly what our world would look like if we all responded to each other without the commentary going on inside our heads. What would our world look like if we respond to each other from the heart? How many of us really tell others what we want to tell them? How many times have you felt really connected to someone you just met, but were too scared to let them know because they might think you are strange? I know I have done that. We have been so conditioned to avoid responding from our inner voice. When adults aren’t not in touch with their inner voice, or in touch with what their heart is telling them, their kids will be taught the same lesson. “Look outside yourself for your answers.” The answers will never be found there.
As parents, we are given so much information on the “right” way to parent our children. Depending on the book you read, you may get thousands of techniques and ideas on “the best way” to raise children. I read many books when my children were little, and I was very grateful for those books. The books started me down the path to treating my children with kindness, compassion, and respect. However, there was a point when I had to stop reading the books because I was on information overload! All of this information, coupled with my already pre-programmed information didn’t leave me any room to listen to my heart. I could read all of the books in the world, and none of them would help me be an authentic, respectful parent if I wasn’t responding from my heart. I needed to learn to question the stories, listen to my own heart, and respond to my children from that authentic place. Read more...
Unschooling is an extension of what children were born knowing. I define unschooling as being a partner to my children, helping them follow their passions while being very present with them. Our day to day life really has no glimmers of “school” in it, unless my kids ask specifically for something schooly. School is not a part of our lives. I don’t look at what school is doing in order to determine what we should be doing. We live our lives in joy and partnership, following the passions that naturally arise. My children live a life connected to the inner joy they were born with. I don’t mean that I am a perfect parent and have made no mistakes! We all do, and I am sure I will make more.
All of us are born with inner joy, and a connection to that inner joy. Children remember this connection until they learn to stop trusting it. Many children stop listening to the connection when they start school. We as parents are led to believe that our children need to learn about separation, they need to find out that the real world is tough sometimes. If I had a dime for every time I hear the phrase, “They may as well learn it now, life is not always easy and fun, it is hard and you have to do things you don’t want to do”, I would be really rich! By keeping my kids out of the school system, I am hoping to keep this message out of their lives as well. I want them to learn that things do happen in our lives that make us sad, or angry, or disappointed, sure, but having the outlook that life is bad and you have to do things you don’t want to do is not the same thing. Read more...
I love the quote,"Children are messengers to us from a world we once deeply knew but we have long since forgotten," by Alice Miller. I know for a fact that I have learned more from my children than they have learned from me. I call them my gurus! I am amazed, sometimes on a daily basis, the things I learn from my kids. I still believe 100% that children are here to teach us, not the other way around. We have been conditioned to believe that we have to teach them, but I know that is just not true.
Children can help us to learn about ourselves and about life, if we choose to listen. When we are able to stay out of the mind set of having to have power over children, we can learn and grow. When we open ourselves up to their unconditional acceptance and love, we will grow leaps and bounds. When trust is present in the relationship as our children grow, the relationship stays authentic, and we learn from each other. If trust is present, children will keep sharing their views and observations and insight with us. If the trust is broken, children learn to hide who they really are, and the authentic relationship is no longer. Read more...
As I witness children getting ready to go back to school this week, my mind heads down the path of questioning why we do things the way we do. The questions flood my brain. I see signs like the one below. Why is the school system in such a state that they need this "kickoff". I see children that are very sad and sometimes really angry about having to end the summer before summer is officially over. I see them angry that they have to go to school at all. They tell my kids that they are lucky they do no have to go to school. My sons are sad for the kids that don't have a choice, and wish that all kids could have a choice to do what feels right to them.
My son and I went for a walk tonight and we talked about how one of his schooled friends asked him if he had ever done a math worksheet. My son told him no, why would I need to do that? I do math in my life all the time, but I don't need to prove that, by doing a worksheet. We talked about all of the ways that he learns math concepts even though they are not called "math". We talked about how if he needs to learn something, he can find the answer when he needs it. We questioned who gets to decide exactly what a human being "needs" to learn by the time they are 18? We wondered how people can get together in a meeting to decide what is best for every student that comes to their school. How is it possible to do this if we are all individuals having different interests and different learning styles? I know that teachers and administrators do their best, but how can they really do what is best for each student? It isn't possible. Teachers have their hands tied as well, because the students must test high so that the schools get their funding. Teachers have a difficult job. Read more...
I often wonder why children get punished, chastised and corrected for behaviors that adults would get applauded, commended, and praised for. We want kids to be self-confident, independent, and empowered. However, they are scolded for arguing with an adult because it is looked upon as being disrespectful. They aren't trusted to make decisions for themselves as far as when to wake up, when to eat, when to go to sleep. They are told when and how to do all of these things, which makes them dependent, not independent. When they try to make these decisions for themselves they get grounded or have things they love taken away from them. I certainly don't think this is teaching them to become independent. It teaches them to learn to be sneakier next time they want to stay up later, or stay out later, or eat that extra dessert that they really wanted. When an adult stands up for what they believe in, they are looked upon as being strong, or intelligent, or someone who really knows who they are. Read more...
I dream about what the ultimate life experience would be if we lived in a world where every human being was emotionally conscious. I do believe that this shift in consciousness is happening right now, so hopefully my vision will come true. I thought I would share my vision here because I believe that writing and talking about visions gives them a higher probability of coming true. The whole vision may be a long way off yet, but that's okay, I will still keep talking about my dream. Read more...
As my children get older, I find myself wondering what their teen years will be like, in terms of our relationship. They are 12 now, so one more year until they are official teenagers. We have attended 3 unschooling conferences in the past 3 years, and I love observing the teenagers while we are there. I also love hearing about the relationships that my unschooling friends have with their teenagers. It is amazing to me to see the trust and the honesty that is present in their relationships. Before finding the unschooling path, I didn’t think this was possible! Once again, I am thrust into shifting my perspective on parenting, while learning to "grow" with the flow. Read more...
In my last post, I wrote about how unschooling really doesn't have anything to do with school. I would like to give unschooling a different title, but I haven't come up with one yet. It really is a way of life rather than just an alternative to school. I wanted to start with that definition so that the rest of my post makes sense.
Unschooling teaches kids how to give from the heart. Here is an example: My husband and I do not force our children to do chores, to say please and thank you, to clean their rooms, or any other arbitrary thing that we have decided they must be taught. We don't teach them any of these things, yet they choose to do them when they feel the need, or when they know that it would really help someone out. They are empathic children. They are sensitive to the needs of others, and they are authentic and honest. I am not saying these things to sound as though I am bragging about my children. I am hoping that by saying these things, it will encourage people to consider another way to relate to children. Read more...
My family and I just returned from an unschooling conference/gathering that was held in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. This was our fourth unschooling event in the past three years. I am still feeling the love that was radiating at this gathering. I have been an advocate for respectful parenting for a few years now. I believe that as parents, it is our responsibility to heal our own childhood wounds while parenting our children mindfully and loving them for exactly who they are. Mindful parenting led my family to the unschooling path. Read more...
Prior to giving birth to my children, I never thought I would be trying to make sure my kids stay conscious in their lives. I don't mean trying to make sure they don't fall down and knock themselves out. Of course, I don't want that to happen either, but anyway....
Truthfully, I had never heard the terms “being conscious”, or “staying present”, prior to having kids. That all changed when I read the book called Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
I made a sign that hangs in my kitchen that says, "Don't forget your daily hugs." I didn't think I would forget to hug my husband, my kids, and my pets, but I was surprised to discover that sometimes I did forget to make sure everybody got enough hugs! I thought I would hang a sign up as an awareness practice. My kids will sometimes come up to me now and ask me if I need a hug, or ask for a hug for themselves. It is something that I treasure, and will forever.
It seems that most of our world is touch deprived. It is a well known fact that if babies aren't touched enough, they do not thrive. It is essential to humans to be touched. I wonder how many people go through a whole day without touching anyone. I feel sad about this. I think it is sad that so many people have become afraid to "get in someone's personal space". I am all for respecting boundaries, but I think we have gone overboard. In my opinion, it is a symptom of a culture that is also afraid to show emotions. By hugging someone, we might have to feel a feeling along with the hug. Some have been taught that this is a scary thing, and it is to be avoided. Read more...
I was recently talking to a friend that had just returned from vacation. She told me how difficult it had been to really allow herself to just "be," to just relax. She felt pretty sure that she didn't know how to do this. She has been reading about present moment awareness and is learning different ways to try to do this, but when it came time to practice, it was difficult for her.
This got me thinking about how much we try to distract ourselves with activities and things to do so that we don't have to be with ourselves. We are so busy that we have to schedule time to just check in with ourselves to see what feels alive in us at that moment. This has been a chronic problem in our society for quite some time. Read more...
I love this quote, by Janusz Korczak. “Children are not the people of tomorrow, but people today. They are entitled to be taken seriously. They have a right to be treated by adults with tenderness and respect, as equals.” I am reminded almost on a daily basis that children are not treated as equals. Just in the last few days, my kids have been treated disrespectfully.
We went to the bank the other day because my son wanted to get a debit card so that he could use it instead of carrying cash around with him. The money in the account was his money that he had saved. The woman that helped us asked him how old he was in a patronizing voice. It was as if she was implying that he wasn’t old enough to be responsible for a debit card. He answered that he was 11. From then on, she kept talking to me, instead of him. She asked me if he should have full access with the card. She quickly said it was up to me. I looked at my son, and he looked confused. It is HIS money, why shouldn’t he have full access to it? I told her, yes, he should have full access, as it is his money. She kept asking me if I wanted to take other “precautions,” implying that I needed to make sure he doesn’t spend more than what is in his account. The whole encounter just felt so negative. I kept thinking to myself that she would never have treated me this way, why is it okay to treat my son this way? It was all about assumptions. Read more...
The main thing I love about unschooling my kids is that they have the opportunity to try out many different things at their own pace. I love the idea of them discovering who they are and what they love to do. They do not have to start and stop activities when someone else tells them to. If they start something and hate it, they stop. They don't have to stick it out or finish what they started. I don't want them to learn that the world is a negative place, I want them to learn that they don't have to do things that make them miserable and unhappy. I hear people saying, “but they will have to learn that lesson!” Will they? Read more...
World peace begins with our children. Emotionally healthy children grow into emotionally healthy adults. Emotionally healthy children learn inner peace. Children that grow up feeling inner peace become peaceful adults. To begin the process, we need to make sure that all children grow up with positive messages streaming through their psyches. This doesn’t mean praising children and giving them affirmations that don’t come across as being authentic. Children can feel whether or not a person is being authentic with them. For this reason, the verbal messages and the non-verbal messages are equally important. We can "tell" our children how wonderful they are, but if we are not in the moment with them, listening to them and really being attentive to their needs, they receive an entirely different message. Read more...
Everybody likes to get something for free, right? I would like to give you something for free. This is for everybody, not just those with "school-age" children. I want to give you the freedom to unschool yourself and/or your kids for one day. It might feel overwhelming to some people to imagine taking the leap into unschooling, but for just one day it might seem doable.
Here is what I am thinking. For just one day, maybe on a Saturday or Sunday, let yourself follow your heart. How many times have you wanted to do something but stopped yourself because you "had to" go here or there, or do this or that. How many times have you talked yourself out of doing something because the little voice in your head told you to stop thinking that way, it is childish, or that you "shouldn't" want to do something like that? I wonder how often you are aware of doing this to yourself? So, you get a free pass to listen to those whims and follow those dreams. See where it leads you. A passion from long ago might be reignited. Read more...
We unschool our kids. Many people might not know what this means. I didn't know what it meant either. I knew that when my kids were toddlers, I could not stand the thought of sending them to school. I did not want to be away from them, nor did I feel it was an idea that they would be happy about. We had so much fun being together, that my husband and I asked ourselves, “Why should we send them if we don't have to?” We wanted them to keep their sense of curiosity, and to always feel that learning is fun. Read more...
Staying present while we are parenting can be difficult at times. Our kids are such good teachers. They are able to create situations to help us grow as parents. We can be sure that when we are having a strong reaction to a situation involving our kids, there is something within us that needs to be healed. If we are mindful, we are able to grow and heal. If we are not mindful, we have knee jerk reactions that can keep us stuck in the box of parenting from reaction instead of presence. Mindful parenting helps us heal our own emotional wounds, so that nurturing our children comes from a healthier place.
We are all busy these days, and it is easy to get caught up in the, “hurry up, let's go here”, or the “hurry up, we are going to be late” syndrome. What is the reaction to the child that is not in a hurry, one that is really enjoying what she is engaged in, one that is in the present moment? Obviously, there are times when we have to be somewhere at a certain time, parents that need to be at work, etc. However, what about the times when we think we have to be somewhere, when we have it in our minds that there is no choice? This is the time to practice mindful parenting and thinking outside the box. Some books may tell us to offer rewards for the child's cooperation, or offer them a bribe, or maybe you might resort to the reaction you would have gotten when you were a child. Some of these things appear to work. For instance, the parent got what they wanted since the child went along with the plan. Success, right? At what expense to the parent-child relationship? Read more...
I like to imagine a world in which every human being is treated with respect, kindness, and unconditional love. I believe that our world is shifting in a way that this dream of mine can become reality. I think we are ready to shift our relationships with other people so that the emptiness that many of us feel will transform into deeper connections.
When my children were born 11 years ago (I have twins), I thought that I would parent them in the same way that I saw many other people parenting their children. And, in fact, the same way I was parented. I soon came to realize that this way didn't feel right in my heart. I wanted to follow my intuition and really listen to what my children needed. When I trusted, things went smoothly. When I didn't trust, and instead, listened to an "expert", or resorted to my own conditioning, things didn't work so well. Read more...
