Healing together: 5 communication skills for couples

You can stock your couple’s psychological first aid kit by practicing communication strategies - such as just being there, active listening, partner care and identifying needs - at low-stress, neutral or even positive times. The benefits of practicing these skills include:

• It is easier to learn a strategy or skill at a low-stress time.
• If these strategies become part of the fabric of your relationship, you will be more likely to utilize them during the painful moments.
• Noticing and celebrating each other’s triumphs is a natural buffer for dealing with crisis.

With this in mind, try out the following:

1. Just being there
   The next time your partner forgets his or her cell phone at the office, go along for the ride to pick it up. If one of you is excited to buy an item on sale at a local store, plant some bulbs in the garden, try out a new recipe, or polish the car, just go along and be there with your partner for a while.
2. Active listening
   Pick a certain night of the week and decide that on that night, at dinner, before bed, or while taking a walk, each will take a turn sharing something positive that has happened. The other partner will actively listen to the words, tone and nonverbal expressions of positive feelings. When you are the listener, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and then let him or her know what you have heard. For example, you might say, “That’s great. I can see how excited you are to have gotten such great seats at the game for you and your friends,” or “You made the deal! Oh, that’s too good. You sound so proud - you deserve it.”
3. Partner Care
   Practicing partner care at positive times means observing when your partner is taking good care of him- or herself in an effort to reset the body’s rhythms after trauma, by sleeping, eating and doing stress-reducing activities. For example, you might say, “You are looking so great from all the walking you are doing,” or “One thing about you - you really know how to calm down by going to that piano. It’s great.”
4. Identifying and responding to needs
   Share in fulfilling some non-crucial need your partner has, just because this is a person you love. For example, see the “chick flick” with her. Go to the car dealership with him, just to look around. Pick up a cup of the coffee he likes or the CD she was talking about.
5. If you see something, say something
   Keep your eye out for the positives as a way to reinforce positive coping skills. So, if you notice that he really is a good cook or she is really a great driver, say something. If you know she can help the kids with their homework in a way you can’t or if you know he keeps your social life going, say something. If you had a wonderful time or a funny experience together, remind the other so you both store it as a positive memory.

Excerpt: Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress, written by Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP, and Dianne Kane, DSW