Liquid love

Tijn Touber reviews Zygmunt Bauman's argument that fear of commitment wins out over creative love in liquid societies.

Tijn Touber | November 2003 issue

Love is no longer what it once was. Zygmunt Bauman, the Polish professor emeritus of sociology at Leeds and Warsaw universities is sure of it. We live in a society in which men and women still want the advantages of a relationship, but steer clear of the responsibilities. In fact, the whole word ‘relationship’ is no longer a part of many people’s vocabulary. They’d rather speak of ‘being connected’. And they would rather be a part of a network than commit themselves to one relationship. The fear of a binding commitment stands in the way of an every greater need: the need to feel – the paradox! – related, to feel a sense of belonging.

In ‘Liquid Love’ Bauman expresses strong views in his portrayal of the dangers that lurk for these new ‘liquid lovers’ without passing judgement. First, there is a lack of meaningful love. ‘In a consumer culture like ours, which favours products ready for instant use, quick fixes, instantaneous satisfaction, results calling for no protracted effort, foolproof recipes, all-risk insurance and money-back guarantees.’ In such a society, love is relegated to an experience of brief affection.

We long for love, because it makes us beautiful. But Bauman wonders whether it is love that makes us beautiful or the courage to participate in the process called love. ‘Love is akin to transcendence; it is but another name for creative drive and as such is fraught with risks, as all creation is never sure where it is going to end.’ He reminds us that ‘there is little that comes so close to death as fulfilled love.’ Instead of striving for the highest form of love, we lower our standards and are quick to call our casual relationships with a one-night stand ‘making love’.

Those who truly do not want to commit themselves are always on the run. When networks become more important than individual relationships, it becomes more and more difficult to settle down. ‘Being on the move, once a privilege and an achievement, becomes a must and an exhausting chore.’

According to Bauman, a big part of the problem is the failure to make a clear distinction between love and desire. ‘Desire is the wish to consume. To imbibe, devour, ingest and digest – annihilate. In its essence desire is an urge of destruction. And, though not oblique, the urge of self-destruction. Love is, on the other hand, the wish to care, and to preserve the object of the care.’ Desire takes, love gives. Yet Bauman confirms that love can also take its recipient prisoner in a web of good intentions.

‘Liquid Love’ is an important book, but it doesn’t offer quick solutions. It is leaves the reader with many important questions about his or her own ability to enter into meaningful relationships.

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