The art of receiving

Receiving is harder than giving, but can lead to even greater personal and spiritual growth.

Hilary Hart | December 2008 issue

Harvard’s Langer also puts power back with the receiver. “The receiver is not at the giver’s mercy,” she says. The receiver, she argues, is always free to interpret or re-interpret any giving-and-receiving situation. “We can either get stuck in limiting patterns of the past, or be open to new ways of thinking and framing experience.”

When I told Langer about the scarf my mother sent to me, her response was as gravelly as her voice: “Time to grow up. Alternative explanations are always possible. If you look for them, you can find almost anything. One step deeper than, ‘She is trying to control me by making me wear pink’ is to think, ‘She wants me to be happy.’ She hopes wearing pink will help you feel good.”

Accepting the gifts of life

When I was 17, I flew into New York City for the first time and fell for an old con trick, giving away my last $20 to a man pretending to be a cab driver. Standing on the airport sidewalk at night, others coming and going with the security of purpose, I felt terrified and alone. Out of the dark, a cabbie named “Elephant,” pale and bearded, wearing an old herringbone suit coat, approached me with an offer to drive me home free. Feeling the deep and essentially affirming gratitude that came with this gift taught me an important lesson: We have the power to impact each other through kindness. Receiving his help altered how I felt about community, society and our responsibility to help each other.

It took getting breast cancer for my friend Alison to overcome the discomfort of asking for and receiving help, and learn how to give. “When I was diagnosed with cancer,” Alison, a marketing manager at a San Francisco media company, says, “I did not have a husband or family to help me. So I had to ask for help from my friends to get through surgery and treatment. I couldn’t even lift my arm to get salt from the cupboard. I had never had to ask for help from people at this level before and it was very uncomfortable. It was something about the attention being on me and also about the fear of being disappointed. By not asking, there was no risk of disappointment. This experience made me think about all the times I had not helped my friends, thinking they would ask for help if they really needed it. But the truth is, it is very hard to ask and receive. And I learned that we have to look out for each other.”

Miriam Greenspan, a psychotherapist and author of Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair , believes receiving is necessary for an enriching life, even when what we receive is painful. “Life is a gift we receive each day,” she says. “But the gift can be terrifying when we don’t get what we want or want what we get, when there is disappointment and even catastrophe. So we close down. And when we’re closed, it’s as though we are asleep to the gift of life.”

Greenspan understands the transformative potential of being open to difficulties. She was born in a displaced persons’ camp in Germany, where she lived for four years, after the Holocaust. Her first child was born with a brain injury and died after 66 days. Her third child was born with complex physical and cognitive disabilities. Greenspan’s work focuses on the transformation that takes place when we receive what we’re given, and discover the possibilities hidden in the pain. “The gift in grieving for our losses, for example, is deep gratitude. From fully experiencing despair we go on a journey for new meaning, and find a more resilient faith in life. When we befriend our fear, we discover the joy of living fully.”

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Comments (6)

Hello, ConversationAgent Twittered this and I'm grateful to receive it! What a wonderful and timely article. I think many of us just accept the notion that people SHOULD know what we like or don't like (especially our moms) and if we released that we'd feel freer to receive in general... I know it's not just about gifts; sometimes we need to receive opportunities or ideas or feelings - even if we feel we can't reciprocate... it could be that our acceptance inspires the giver to give more - and feel fulfilled by that. Maybe the third or fifth or tenth receiver is the one destined to give that person exactly what they have been dreaming of... we may never know ... All these social media formats have allowed people to give and receive from people they may never meet - it's a marvelous time to be alive! Thanks for such an inspiring read, Veronika

posted by dotcalm on 11/30/2008 10:22 am

I loved this article. I've had an awkwardness with receiving all my life and am just now coming to terms with it in my 40's. In other words, I'm still awkward, but I'm trying to resolve it.

One thing I've noticed about receiving gifts that I feel don't suit me is that, unless it was a totally thoughtless gift, the giver saw a connection between me and the gift. Something about the item made the giver think of me, so it occurs to me that gifts allow us to experience, and perhaps appreciate, another's perception of us. A thoughtful gift that doesn't suit us, can be a window into how other people perceive us. I've developed a habit, since in my 40's, that I will wear what I'm given and "try on" that person's perception of me to see if I like it and even... how others respond.

Have you ever felt like an ungraceful lunker only to be told by someone else that they admire your grace? Or complimented on a feature of yourself you thought was unattractive? Accepting the compliment or admiration can make you feel like a "new" person. So why not take a gift similarly? It may not suit the current perception YOU have of you, but perhaps the giver is speaking to some fine quality they see in you by giving you a gift they think will bring out said quality. Why not try it on and experiment with being that person too? Those perceptions can all be you. Like it or not - and in a very real way - those perceptions *are* you. You can choose to honor another's perception of you and be thankful for the "window".

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts about receiving that I wanted to share.

posted by cynthiaclinton on 11/30/2008 12:35 pm

I wonder if we could make graceful receiving a gift we give to the giver? Thus, we are not just passive receivers, and become active in the transaction, giving a gift as well as receiving a gift.

posted by ojones01 on 12/ 2/2008 3:34 pm

Thank you for a fantastic article! You brought so many interesting perspectives into the conversation that I feel like i've attended a workshop on receiving. My sense is that giving and receiving can become - and often does - too transactional.

How we experience receiving is largely reflective of what we are focused on. I know some people who feel cheated if the gift they get from someone else is of lesser value than the gift they give. If we focus on the monetary or aesthetic perception of the giving-receiving dynamic, I think we are creating a mindset of disappointment.

I've found a more effective way - at least for me - is to find a way to make use of the gift and to appreciate the other person's sacrifice in giving the gift.

I am far from where I'd like to be on the ability to gracefully receive. I think most of us are.

What an illuminating discussion of an important topic.

Thank you again.

Ray

posted by theaffirmationspot on 12/ 2/2008 4:35 pm

I agree with ojones01....My mother enjoys going to estate sales/garage sales. When she visits, she ALWAYS brings us stuff that she has bought. We absolutely don't need any more stuff, and I used to get very frustrated, but I now accept the items gratefully. I realize the she truely enjoys giving me and my family the little trinkets that she has bought and by accepting her gifts, I am giving back.

This holiday season will be spent cooking and relaxing. Our family is prepared and looking forward to a different xmas than what we've had in the past. No traveling, no piles of presents...just relaxing and staying balanced and connected during all the holiday festivities.

posted by calgal on 12/ 3/2008 10:28 am

EXCEPT the LOVE, SEIZE the GOOD…why is that harder for some than… giving the Love…sharing the good?

There are givers and takers, at first blush one might assume that the more challenging task would be in the giving rather than the receiving. However for many of us taking requires a much greater sacrifice... taking requires a drink of humility and trust that for some is just too bitter.

So we quietly attempt to position our selves in the seat of benefactor …hoping our acts of generosity will mask our inability to receive, but what we fail to see is that we are denying someone else of that very role. What appears ultraistic and selfless is in fact our most selfish act...the giving has become the taking and such the taking the giving.

Is this simply another symptom of a hungry ego, a need to feel grand and powerful? Yes and no, ego feed, no doubt, but for many, much more than the need to feel grand is fear…the fear of losing control…the fear of being let down, first by ourselves that we are not capable of answering our own needs...second by others, by allowing dependency on others we are exposing a vulnerability that is often too great a risk.

Suzi www.BringPeaceNotPain.Blogspot.com www.BringPeaceNotPain.com

posted by SuziNance on 12/ 6/2008 8:05 am