The art of receiving

Receiving is harder than giving, but can lead to even greater personal and spiritual growth.

Hilary Hart | December 2008 issue

Giving up control

Receiving may be difficult, and loaded with potential conflicts, but if we don’t learn how to do it we’re going to miss a lot. According to Laura Doyle, without receiving we can’t feel close to others.

Doyle is author of the New York Times bestseller The Surrendered Wife , which discusses the benefits of accepting what your partner gives. “Receiving is very much about intimacy,” she explains. “When we receive a gift, help or a compliment, we feel a connection to the giver and they feel connected to us.” Doyle herself felt distant from her husband before adopting the practice of holding back criticism and accepting what her husband offered, including sex.

Feminists balk at Doyle’s strategy for closeness, seeing it as the same old sacrifice of women’s personal power for matrimonial harmony. But Doyle isn’t advocating powerlessness. Rather, she’s encouraging an experiment in openness. When I ask her if it’s always important to say yes to sexual advances, she responds, “You are always in charge of your own body, and it is always okay for you to say no. ... But for greatest intimacy, consider making it your habit to always say yes.”

She recognizes that reacting defensively to what’s offered is often part of an isolating control dynamic that serves no one. “Receiving isn’t easy, because it means we’ve given up control,” she says. “But the more you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable, which happens automatically when you’re receiving and giving up that degree of control, the closer you’re both going to feel.”

Somé agrees. “To bring our intimacy into a healthy level, it is important to surrender our armor and our feeling that ‘I can do it all’ and acknowledge our needs. Then we can open to receiving.” But she emphasizes her belief that it’s the spirit alive within a relationship, not the other person, from which we receive. “There is a spiritual dimension to every relationship, whether to a husband, a community or the land,” she says. “When we acknowledge this, it makes giving and receiving easier. We don’t think ‘I have to receive from him.’ Instead, we are receiving from spirit.”

Whereas most social scientists focus on the empowerment of the giver in relationships, Doyle speaks to the more hidden power of receiving. “I think it’s true that there is empowerment in saying no to the things that don’t fit for you. But there is also such empowerment in saying yes, even if you’re not totally comfortable with the gift.” And what if you still don’t feel like receiving? “I recommend ‘fake-it-till-you-make-it,’” she says. “Take the action of receiving the gift even if you’re not so sure about it. You may not know it, but you’re on your way to being that woman who feels like she deserves good things. And that’s someone we’d all like to be.”

Somé adds an important dimension to the purpose of receiving: It enables our contribution. “Receiving heals us individually, and the gifts of that relationship can then be offered back to the community,” she explains. “We have to understand that receiving is a medicine designed to heal and strengthen us. Being seen, loved and appreciated are just a few of the gifts that one can receive in relationships.”

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Comments (6)

Hello, ConversationAgent Twittered this and I'm grateful to receive it! What a wonderful and timely article. I think many of us just accept the notion that people SHOULD know what we like or don't like (especially our moms) and if we released that we'd feel freer to receive in general... I know it's not just about gifts; sometimes we need to receive opportunities or ideas or feelings - even if we feel we can't reciprocate... it could be that our acceptance inspires the giver to give more - and feel fulfilled by that. Maybe the third or fifth or tenth receiver is the one destined to give that person exactly what they have been dreaming of... we may never know ... All these social media formats have allowed people to give and receive from people they may never meet - it's a marvelous time to be alive! Thanks for such an inspiring read, Veronika

posted by dotcalm on 11/30/2008 10:22 am

I loved this article. I've had an awkwardness with receiving all my life and am just now coming to terms with it in my 40's. In other words, I'm still awkward, but I'm trying to resolve it.

One thing I've noticed about receiving gifts that I feel don't suit me is that, unless it was a totally thoughtless gift, the giver saw a connection between me and the gift. Something about the item made the giver think of me, so it occurs to me that gifts allow us to experience, and perhaps appreciate, another's perception of us. A thoughtful gift that doesn't suit us, can be a window into how other people perceive us. I've developed a habit, since in my 40's, that I will wear what I'm given and "try on" that person's perception of me to see if I like it and even... how others respond.

Have you ever felt like an ungraceful lunker only to be told by someone else that they admire your grace? Or complimented on a feature of yourself you thought was unattractive? Accepting the compliment or admiration can make you feel like a "new" person. So why not take a gift similarly? It may not suit the current perception YOU have of you, but perhaps the giver is speaking to some fine quality they see in you by giving you a gift they think will bring out said quality. Why not try it on and experiment with being that person too? Those perceptions can all be you. Like it or not - and in a very real way - those perceptions *are* you. You can choose to honor another's perception of you and be thankful for the "window".

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts about receiving that I wanted to share.

posted by cynthiaclinton on 11/30/2008 12:35 pm

I wonder if we could make graceful receiving a gift we give to the giver? Thus, we are not just passive receivers, and become active in the transaction, giving a gift as well as receiving a gift.

posted by ojones01 on 12/ 2/2008 3:34 pm

Thank you for a fantastic article! You brought so many interesting perspectives into the conversation that I feel like i've attended a workshop on receiving. My sense is that giving and receiving can become - and often does - too transactional.

How we experience receiving is largely reflective of what we are focused on. I know some people who feel cheated if the gift they get from someone else is of lesser value than the gift they give. If we focus on the monetary or aesthetic perception of the giving-receiving dynamic, I think we are creating a mindset of disappointment.

I've found a more effective way - at least for me - is to find a way to make use of the gift and to appreciate the other person's sacrifice in giving the gift.

I am far from where I'd like to be on the ability to gracefully receive. I think most of us are.

What an illuminating discussion of an important topic.

Thank you again.

Ray

posted by theaffirmationspot on 12/ 2/2008 4:35 pm

I agree with ojones01....My mother enjoys going to estate sales/garage sales. When she visits, she ALWAYS brings us stuff that she has bought. We absolutely don't need any more stuff, and I used to get very frustrated, but I now accept the items gratefully. I realize the she truely enjoys giving me and my family the little trinkets that she has bought and by accepting her gifts, I am giving back.

This holiday season will be spent cooking and relaxing. Our family is prepared and looking forward to a different xmas than what we've had in the past. No traveling, no piles of presents...just relaxing and staying balanced and connected during all the holiday festivities.

posted by calgal on 12/ 3/2008 10:28 am

EXCEPT the LOVE, SEIZE the GOOD…why is that harder for some than… giving the Love…sharing the good?

There are givers and takers, at first blush one might assume that the more challenging task would be in the giving rather than the receiving. However for many of us taking requires a much greater sacrifice... taking requires a drink of humility and trust that for some is just too bitter.

So we quietly attempt to position our selves in the seat of benefactor …hoping our acts of generosity will mask our inability to receive, but what we fail to see is that we are denying someone else of that very role. What appears ultraistic and selfless is in fact our most selfish act...the giving has become the taking and such the taking the giving.

Is this simply another symptom of a hungry ego, a need to feel grand and powerful? Yes and no, ego feed, no doubt, but for many, much more than the need to feel grand is fear…the fear of losing control…the fear of being let down, first by ourselves that we are not capable of answering our own needs...second by others, by allowing dependency on others we are exposing a vulnerability that is often too great a risk.

Suzi www.BringPeaceNotPain.Blogspot.com www.BringPeaceNotPain.com

posted by SuziNance on 12/ 6/2008 8:05 am