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The art of receiving
Receiving is harder than giving, but can lead to even greater personal and spiritual growth.
Such dynamics might be acceptable in relationships of love and trust, like between parents and children, but they can make us uneasy in other contexts. A friend of mine, Barbara, worked at an advertising firm for five years before she was laid off. She chose not to receive unemployment because of the stigma. She had grown up in an upper-middle-class family in New England that had strong Puritan roots. For her, as for anyone influenced by Puritan values, needing help carried the hidden implication that she hadn’t worked hard enough. “Being on unemployment just made me feel like I had failed as an adult,” she remembers. “I felt ashamed at needing help.”
While shame at receiving government assistance might be less prevalent in European countries, where the social welfare system is generally accepted as every citizen’s right, the stigma attached to needing help is often a major stumbling block to accepting what’s given and putting it to good use. This is true in Western cultures, especially in the U.S., which so highly values achievement and earning that when Americans are given something unexpected or unearned they feel guilty.
Guilt is one way our conscience responds to situations in which we feel we don’t deserve the good things that come to us. “Sudden wealth syndrome” is the name attributed to a group of symptoms—including guilt, anxiety, sleep disorders and fear of losing control—that can disturb those who win the lottery, inherit wealth or bring in huge rewards from financial investment. “People who inherit large sums of money often feel a disparity between who they are and what they are being given,” says Stephen Goldbart, co-founder of the Money, Meaning and Choices Institute in California, which addresses the psychological opportunities and challenges that come with great wealth. “Guilt is a way to address the emotional impact of this gap.”
Where does the guilt come from? “In the U.S., but also in tribal cultures, we have a basic belief system that we work for what we are given,” Goldbart explains. “If we are suddenly given to, without work involved or the appropriate degree of work, then our sense of self, our values and our world view—including our ideas about fairness—are threatened.” In these situations, Goldbart suggests it’s helpful to have “a flexible sense of self and a flexible world view. You’re just not going to be the same person afterward.”
To receive, we might need to leave behind the safety net of a work-equals-reward mentality. But this requires acknowledging the existence of outside forces, and allowing for the possibility that we never had to deserve what we’ve “earned” in the first place. And if there’s no deserving, it means some things, at least, are simply free.
Another reason behind our resistance comes from a fear that taking will limit what goes to others. “One of the biggest reasons we don’t receive well is that we think receiving is going to take something away from someone else,” says Sobonfu Somé, a teacher from the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso in West Africa. “So we feel guilty accepting what we are given.”
Somé, whose first name means “keeper of the ritual,” left her tribe to bring the teachings of her people to the West. Based in Sacramento, California, she writes books and leads workshops around the world. She explains that among the Dagara, life is infused with spirit. When we receive deeply we’re receiving not just from an individual but from spirit itself. And when we receive from spirit, “we receive from an abundant source that can offer whatever we need.” Adds Somé, “There is always enough for everybody. Everything from spirit is free. There is no price in receiving. We don’t need to earn what we’re given. We just need to turn toward spirit with an attitude of service. So we can feel grateful, but there is no reason to feel guilty.”
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Hello, ConversationAgent Twittered this and I'm grateful to receive it! What a wonderful and timely article. I think many of us just accept the notion that people SHOULD know what we like or don't like (especially our moms) and if we released that we'd feel freer to receive in general... I know it's not just about gifts; sometimes we need to receive opportunities or ideas or feelings - even if we feel we can't reciprocate... it could be that our acceptance inspires the giver to give more - and feel fulfilled by that. Maybe the third or fifth or tenth receiver is the one destined to give that person exactly what they have been dreaming of... we may never know ... All these social media formats have allowed people to give and receive from people they may never meet - it's a marvelous time to be alive! Thanks for such an inspiring read, Veronika
posted by dotcalm on 11/30/2008 10:22 am