The art of receiving

Receiving is harder than giving, but can lead to even greater personal and spiritual growth.

Hilary Hart | December 2008 issue

Anthropologist Marcel Mauss examined ancient gift economies in his classic 1954 study of reciprocal exchange, The Gift, and concluded there was no such thing as a free gift. He attributed a “spiritual” significance to the connection between giver and receiver. “One has no right to refuse a gift,” he wrote. “To act in this way is to show that one is afraid of having to reciprocate.”

Mauss studied ancient cultures in Melanesia, Polynesia and North America, but many modern social theories about giving and receiving align with his early conclusions. While a few hold that the free gift and altruistic giving do exist, evidence like that uncovered by Grafman and his team could show instead that altruism always includes something for the giver, too.

Dutch sociologist Aafke Komter with the University College in Utrecht describes gift-giving as “layered” and “complex,” with many different roles in maintaining social ties and relationships. In her Social Solidarity and the Gift , she distinguishes reciprocation as one of several motives for gift-giving, only one of which—to express positive feelings, is likely to appeal to a receiver. Other motivations include maintaining power and prestige, establishing security, promoting self-interest and expressing hostility. “Without reciprocity,” she writes me in an email, “relationships cannot be maintained.”

My friend Ying, a graphic designer who came from Beijing to the U.S. as a graduate student in 1993, knows what it means to live in a culture that accentuates reciprocity. “In China, all gifts and invitations are expected to be returned with more gifts and invitations,” says Ying. The philosophy and practice of reciprocity are so deep, explain Stella Ting-Toomey and Ge Gao in Communicating Effectively with the Chinese (Communicating Effectively in Multicultural Contexts) , that “to Chinese, reciprocity is the basic rule of being a person.” According to Ting-Toomey and Ge Gao, who study intercultural communication, Chinese culture includes a “paramount need to repay one’s gratitude.” Reciprocity is such a strong force that one Chinese saying goes, “You honor me a foot; I will in return honor you 10 feet.”

Another role of reciprocity is to maintain harmony and humility. “Nobody wants to stand out in China. Being modest is very, very important,” says Ying. When it comes to receiving gifts or compliments, “modesty requires that you do not receive something outright,” she says. “Most times, like with a gift or food, you have to refuse it over and over before finally accepting.”

The price of receiving

Many of us instinctively resist receiving because we sense the power dynamics involved, which reduce the receiver to the weaker position. We all know how it feels when someone gives us advice for “our sake” and we know it’s to establish his or her own wisdom. We don’t take the advice, because we don’t want to confirm our inferiority. Harvard University Professor Ellen Langer puts such power dynamics to good use. “Receiving empowers the giver,” she says. “That’s why I advise parents to let their kids buy them gifts. When they receive them, it can make the children feel confident and good about themselves.”

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Comments (6)

Hello, ConversationAgent Twittered this and I'm grateful to receive it! What a wonderful and timely article. I think many of us just accept the notion that people SHOULD know what we like or don't like (especially our moms) and if we released that we'd feel freer to receive in general... I know it's not just about gifts; sometimes we need to receive opportunities or ideas or feelings - even if we feel we can't reciprocate... it could be that our acceptance inspires the giver to give more - and feel fulfilled by that. Maybe the third or fifth or tenth receiver is the one destined to give that person exactly what they have been dreaming of... we may never know ... All these social media formats have allowed people to give and receive from people they may never meet - it's a marvelous time to be alive! Thanks for such an inspiring read, Veronika

posted by dotcalm on 11/30/2008 10:22 am

I loved this article. I've had an awkwardness with receiving all my life and am just now coming to terms with it in my 40's. In other words, I'm still awkward, but I'm trying to resolve it.

One thing I've noticed about receiving gifts that I feel don't suit me is that, unless it was a totally thoughtless gift, the giver saw a connection between me and the gift. Something about the item made the giver think of me, so it occurs to me that gifts allow us to experience, and perhaps appreciate, another's perception of us. A thoughtful gift that doesn't suit us, can be a window into how other people perceive us. I've developed a habit, since in my 40's, that I will wear what I'm given and "try on" that person's perception of me to see if I like it and even... how others respond.

Have you ever felt like an ungraceful lunker only to be told by someone else that they admire your grace? Or complimented on a feature of yourself you thought was unattractive? Accepting the compliment or admiration can make you feel like a "new" person. So why not take a gift similarly? It may not suit the current perception YOU have of you, but perhaps the giver is speaking to some fine quality they see in you by giving you a gift they think will bring out said quality. Why not try it on and experiment with being that person too? Those perceptions can all be you. Like it or not - and in a very real way - those perceptions *are* you. You can choose to honor another's perception of you and be thankful for the "window".

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts about receiving that I wanted to share.

posted by cynthiaclinton on 11/30/2008 12:35 pm

I wonder if we could make graceful receiving a gift we give to the giver? Thus, we are not just passive receivers, and become active in the transaction, giving a gift as well as receiving a gift.

posted by ojones01 on 12/ 2/2008 3:34 pm

Thank you for a fantastic article! You brought so many interesting perspectives into the conversation that I feel like i've attended a workshop on receiving. My sense is that giving and receiving can become - and often does - too transactional.

How we experience receiving is largely reflective of what we are focused on. I know some people who feel cheated if the gift they get from someone else is of lesser value than the gift they give. If we focus on the monetary or aesthetic perception of the giving-receiving dynamic, I think we are creating a mindset of disappointment.

I've found a more effective way - at least for me - is to find a way to make use of the gift and to appreciate the other person's sacrifice in giving the gift.

I am far from where I'd like to be on the ability to gracefully receive. I think most of us are.

What an illuminating discussion of an important topic.

Thank you again.

Ray

posted by theaffirmationspot on 12/ 2/2008 4:35 pm

I agree with ojones01....My mother enjoys going to estate sales/garage sales. When she visits, she ALWAYS brings us stuff that she has bought. We absolutely don't need any more stuff, and I used to get very frustrated, but I now accept the items gratefully. I realize the she truely enjoys giving me and my family the little trinkets that she has bought and by accepting her gifts, I am giving back.

This holiday season will be spent cooking and relaxing. Our family is prepared and looking forward to a different xmas than what we've had in the past. No traveling, no piles of presents...just relaxing and staying balanced and connected during all the holiday festivities.

posted by calgal on 12/ 3/2008 10:28 am

EXCEPT the LOVE, SEIZE the GOOD…why is that harder for some than… giving the Love…sharing the good?

There are givers and takers, at first blush one might assume that the more challenging task would be in the giving rather than the receiving. However for many of us taking requires a much greater sacrifice... taking requires a drink of humility and trust that for some is just too bitter.

So we quietly attempt to position our selves in the seat of benefactor …hoping our acts of generosity will mask our inability to receive, but what we fail to see is that we are denying someone else of that very role. What appears ultraistic and selfless is in fact our most selfish act...the giving has become the taking and such the taking the giving.

Is this simply another symptom of a hungry ego, a need to feel grand and powerful? Yes and no, ego feed, no doubt, but for many, much more than the need to feel grand is fear…the fear of losing control…the fear of being let down, first by ourselves that we are not capable of answering our own needs...second by others, by allowing dependency on others we are exposing a vulnerability that is often too great a risk.

Suzi www.BringPeaceNotPain.Blogspot.com www.BringPeaceNotPain.com

posted by SuziNance on 12/ 6/2008 8:05 am