The art of receiving

Receiving is harder than giving, but can lead to even greater personal and spiritual growth.

Hilary Hart | December 2008 issue

Unfortunately, such moments are rare in our “quid pro quo” world where there’s no such thing as a free lunch. But we all need help at times, whether it comes in the form of love, care, financial rescue or physical assistance. Being part of a community in which we can give and receive free of stigma, guilt and power dynamics is key to an enriching and balanced life. Recognizing the distinction between receiving and taking is also important, especially during a financial crisis caused in large part by greed driving people to take too much, when the same kind of rapaciousness has wreaked havoc on our ecosystems.

Receiving isn’t easy. If it were, more of us would do it with grace and gratitude. Is there a way to change that? Can we learn to receive so we can be nourished and empowered? These are crucial questions, not just because the holiday season is a time when giving and receiving are part of our daily experience. The ability to receive is, in fact, essential to physical health, psychological balance and spiritual engagement. Before we can enhance our receptivity, though, it’s helpful to take a look at the reasons we fail to receive.

Giving is better, so why bother?

In the Sutta Nipata, the Buddha says, “Happiness never decreases by being shared.” The Qu’ran (3:92) declares, “Whatever you give to charity, God is fully aware thereof.” And the New Testament (Acts 20:35) makes clear, “It’s better to give than to receive.” Extolling giving has become conventional wisdom and a moral touchstone around the world. No wonder we don’t value receiving. Who wants to embrace the lesser part?

Even science seems to bear out this lesson. Jordan Grafman, a senior investigator specializing in cognitive neuroscience at the National Institutes of Health’s National Institutes of Neurological Disorders and Stroke in Washington, D.C., led a team that monitored the brain activity of volunteers while they played computer games in which they could win cash rewards and donate the proceeds to charity. Both receiving money and giving it away increased levels of dopamine, a hormone related to feeling good. But giving away money caused more activity, and released oxytocin, another “feel good” hormone associated with emotional closeness. The prefrontal cortex, an area involved in moral reasoning, was also activated when giving included a sacrifice of one’s own resources. The study led Grafman to conclude, “It definitely seems like you’re going to get more pleasure, if these brain activations can be any guide, when you’re giving than when you’re simply receiving.”

The study suggests that giving is hardwired into our brains, making us feel good about doing good. But does that mean it’s really better than receiving? After all, cash rewards in a computer game can’t replicate the most meaningful experiences of receiving, when we get love or life-changing opportunities, for example. Working for money “might not be the same as love, care or touch,” Grafman concedes. “But those are hard to control for in the laboratory.” It might be more fruitful, then, to examine receiving in its natural habitat: daily life.

How many people have been invited to dinner by new acquaintances and don’t feel they have to return the invitation in a timely manner, whether they want to or not? In a “you scratch my back; I’ll scratch yours” society, saying yes to a gift or a gesture more often than not means saying yes to unspoken obligations, not the least of which is to respond in kind. Social theorists call this particular requirement reciprocity.

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Comments (6)

Hello, ConversationAgent Twittered this and I'm grateful to receive it! What a wonderful and timely article. I think many of us just accept the notion that people SHOULD know what we like or don't like (especially our moms) and if we released that we'd feel freer to receive in general... I know it's not just about gifts; sometimes we need to receive opportunities or ideas or feelings - even if we feel we can't reciprocate... it could be that our acceptance inspires the giver to give more - and feel fulfilled by that. Maybe the third or fifth or tenth receiver is the one destined to give that person exactly what they have been dreaming of... we may never know ... All these social media formats have allowed people to give and receive from people they may never meet - it's a marvelous time to be alive! Thanks for such an inspiring read, Veronika

posted by dotcalm on 11/30/2008 10:22 am

I loved this article. I've had an awkwardness with receiving all my life and am just now coming to terms with it in my 40's. In other words, I'm still awkward, but I'm trying to resolve it.

One thing I've noticed about receiving gifts that I feel don't suit me is that, unless it was a totally thoughtless gift, the giver saw a connection between me and the gift. Something about the item made the giver think of me, so it occurs to me that gifts allow us to experience, and perhaps appreciate, another's perception of us. A thoughtful gift that doesn't suit us, can be a window into how other people perceive us. I've developed a habit, since in my 40's, that I will wear what I'm given and "try on" that person's perception of me to see if I like it and even... how others respond.

Have you ever felt like an ungraceful lunker only to be told by someone else that they admire your grace? Or complimented on a feature of yourself you thought was unattractive? Accepting the compliment or admiration can make you feel like a "new" person. So why not take a gift similarly? It may not suit the current perception YOU have of you, but perhaps the giver is speaking to some fine quality they see in you by giving you a gift they think will bring out said quality. Why not try it on and experiment with being that person too? Those perceptions can all be you. Like it or not - and in a very real way - those perceptions *are* you. You can choose to honor another's perception of you and be thankful for the "window".

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts about receiving that I wanted to share.

posted by cynthiaclinton on 11/30/2008 12:35 pm

I wonder if we could make graceful receiving a gift we give to the giver? Thus, we are not just passive receivers, and become active in the transaction, giving a gift as well as receiving a gift.

posted by ojones01 on 12/ 2/2008 3:34 pm

Thank you for a fantastic article! You brought so many interesting perspectives into the conversation that I feel like i've attended a workshop on receiving. My sense is that giving and receiving can become - and often does - too transactional.

How we experience receiving is largely reflective of what we are focused on. I know some people who feel cheated if the gift they get from someone else is of lesser value than the gift they give. If we focus on the monetary or aesthetic perception of the giving-receiving dynamic, I think we are creating a mindset of disappointment.

I've found a more effective way - at least for me - is to find a way to make use of the gift and to appreciate the other person's sacrifice in giving the gift.

I am far from where I'd like to be on the ability to gracefully receive. I think most of us are.

What an illuminating discussion of an important topic.

Thank you again.

Ray

posted by theaffirmationspot on 12/ 2/2008 4:35 pm

I agree with ojones01....My mother enjoys going to estate sales/garage sales. When she visits, she ALWAYS brings us stuff that she has bought. We absolutely don't need any more stuff, and I used to get very frustrated, but I now accept the items gratefully. I realize the she truely enjoys giving me and my family the little trinkets that she has bought and by accepting her gifts, I am giving back.

This holiday season will be spent cooking and relaxing. Our family is prepared and looking forward to a different xmas than what we've had in the past. No traveling, no piles of presents...just relaxing and staying balanced and connected during all the holiday festivities.

posted by calgal on 12/ 3/2008 10:28 am

EXCEPT the LOVE, SEIZE the GOOD…why is that harder for some than… giving the Love…sharing the good?

There are givers and takers, at first blush one might assume that the more challenging task would be in the giving rather than the receiving. However for many of us taking requires a much greater sacrifice... taking requires a drink of humility and trust that for some is just too bitter.

So we quietly attempt to position our selves in the seat of benefactor …hoping our acts of generosity will mask our inability to receive, but what we fail to see is that we are denying someone else of that very role. What appears ultraistic and selfless is in fact our most selfish act...the giving has become the taking and such the taking the giving.

Is this simply another symptom of a hungry ego, a need to feel grand and powerful? Yes and no, ego feed, no doubt, but for many, much more than the need to feel grand is fear…the fear of losing control…the fear of being let down, first by ourselves that we are not capable of answering our own needs...second by others, by allowing dependency on others we are exposing a vulnerability that is often too great a risk.

Suzi www.BringPeaceNotPain.Blogspot.com www.BringPeaceNotPain.com

posted by SuziNance on 12/ 6/2008 8:05 am