Ten steps to managing your anger

Our mom told us to control our anger, asserting that anger is ‘not a very nice emotion’. If we are depressed or sullenly hostile it was overlooked, but showing anger is considered the shameful thing and I grew up thinking that if we express anger then we are not a polite and well-bred person.

We all know that anger is basically loss of control. When we feel at loss of this power we begin to shout and scream, not knowing how to recapture the authority over the situation. Or some of us just become absolutely quiet, trying to gulp the anger down, in case we look bad in front of others. It is as if by very force of our aggressiveness or passivity, we are deluding ourselves to believe that we are powerful.

Both of these reactions are unhealthy, as the experts will tell you. There is a fine balance between controlling anger and managing anger. Anything which needs to be controlled has a tendency to boomerang. In managing lies the effectiveness, because anger is an emotion that requires huge restraint, appropriate expression and a considerable wisdom, all in one go.

As Aristotle said many years ago, “To be angry with the right person to the right extent and at the right moment and with the right object and in the right way -- that is not easy.”

As a growing girl I was tutored by my mother to avoid displaying emotions like laughing loudly, jumping up in joy and showing aggression of any kind in public. I was discouraged to act on my feelings and let it all hang out. Be a Lady, I was told. Even the school where I studied was a convent run by Irish nuns and we girls were expected to act poised and in control all the time.

Perhaps I missed the point somewhere in all this Jane Erye-ish disciplining, and did not learn how to deal with my anger. Instead of managing it I learnt to suppress it. I was at one time absolutely unqualified in handling my anger. When I felt angry or was at the receiving end of anger I had no clue what to do, except become absolutely quiet, seethe secretly, bottle it up and then let it dissipate with time. The best I could do was to burst into angry tears and that made the matters worse. I had to cope with plenty of difficulties due to this trait and it not only hurt me but my family too.

Later I realized that there is a delicate balance between emotional literacy and repression of powerful feelings, and I learned to manage my anger in a better way. During this learning phase, one interesting thing that I discovered was this: If we are frightened of our anger then we lose control of it. By acknowledging it, we are taking responsibility for its expression and we learn to have some control over how we express it.

These are some of the things I learned during anger management tutoring:

1. Clear the air.


2. Express your rage safely, and as soon as you can.


3. Don’t store it up as resentment.


4. Respect yourself and others.


5. Stand your ground and ask for exactly what you want.


6. Don’t expect other people to be mind readers.


7. Find the true target of your anger.


8. Take responsibility for your own life and happiness.


9. Practice clean anger, without putting the blame on the other person.


10. Practice deep breathing: Press one nostril with index finger; inhale slowly from the other; hold breath for 10 seconds; exhale from the other nostril. Repeat 10 times, with both the nostrils.

Generally speaking we are taught to control our anger, especially in public places and sensitive situations. However, there are some people who have serious problem in controlling this emotion and their anger becomes an affliction. It ruins relationships and sometimes life too. Uncontrollable anger is a pathological problem and needs to be treated by an expert, because inevitably there are many underlying emotional issues festering inside the psyche of the person who is having anger problems, and they need to be handled sensitively and expertly.

I closely knew a man who had this problem of uncontrollable anger. He would smash things up at slightest pretext. Fly into rage if the waiter at a restaurant took extra time in serving him. He would beat up even a policeman who would dare to cross his path and would often land into deep troubles due to this behavior. But when he is not angry, he is an exceptionally warm, generous and caring person, and I used to feel extremely sorry about him being misunderstood and avoided by others, due to his setback.

Once he confessed that when he feels angry, a black curtain falls before his eyes and he feels detached and separated from his true self, caught by some unbridled force. I had dealt with my own anger, though it was dissimilar in expression. And I shared my anger problem with him, with an example from the film Anger Management that portrays this condition effectively.

There is a dialogue in the film, when Jack Nicholson tells Adam Sandler, “Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store.”

I told him that my anger problem was not any less dangerous than his and how I decided one day to take the matter in my hands and deal with it. He agreed to therapy. During therapy he discovered how an alcoholic father and a passive mother who for some reason took all the abuse quietly, choosing depression and secret drinking, over walking out or protesting, had this deep effect on his mind. It had made him angrier and angrier, watching his own helplessness and that of his mother. As a little boy he developed a quiet rage towards his father, which later on turned him into an extremely violent and aggressive person. Therapy helped him forgive his father and mother both, and finally let them go out of his mind. Gradually he learned to manage his anger and his true self emerged from the deep dungeons of his dark rages.

I would like to share with you here two creative tasks that I learned during my anger management lessons:

• The first is to do when one is in rage. It might be prepared beforehand, so that it becomes handy during critical situations.
• Take a very large sheet of paper and pin it securely to a large drawing board or table. Now select two wax crayons. (It was interesting how I chose red colors). Take one crayon in each hand and closing your eyes scribble on the paper until your hand wants to stop. Now open your eyes and see. This is the map of your anger!
• If you keep it beside your bed or desk, it would go on reminding you that your anger is out there, and is no longer trapped inside you.

The second task is helpful in calming you down, after you have been angry. Anger often feels like a roller coaster ride and we end up feeling all shaken up and dizzy. We need to come down; be level. A quiet walk, if possible near a river or cluster of trees, is very effective. Another option is to imagine yourself coming down a stone staircase leading down a mountain.
With each descending step, you are getting closer to your normal state.

Someone wisely said, ‘Anger if managed wisely, it is one of the greatest teachers in the pursuit of emotional intelligence. Being able to express our anger safely, assertively and effectively means that we have more choices in a situation.’