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Peaceful relationships with teenagers

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As my children get older, I find myself wondering what their teen years will be like, in terms of our relationship. They are 12 now, so one more year until they are official teenagers. We have attended 3 unschooling conferences in the past 3 years, and I love observing the teenagers while we are there. I also love hearing about the relationships that my unschooling friends have with their teenagers. It is amazing to me to see the trust and the honesty that is present in their relationships. Before finding the unschooling path, I didn’t think this was possible! Once again, I am thrust into shifting my perspective on parenting, while learning to "grow" with the flow.

Since I was raised in a traditional way, I only had one data point to go on. I always assumed that once a person hits the teenage years, the rebellion kicks in, and it is time to have many disagreements and issues in the parent child relationship. Many parents think that they are not supposed to trust their teenagers. When teenagers are not trusted, their behavior may change because they can no longer trust that they are being honored for who they really are. Not being trusted may bring about unwanted behavior. I know that was the result in my teenage years.

After seeing the teens at the conferences, and talking to parents with teens that are unschooled, I am so happy to know that it is possible to have a relationship with teenagers that does not include the typical rebellion and the adversarial relations. How can this be? Well, the more I think about it, the more it makes perfect sense. When children are treated with respect, trust, and dignity they don't have anything to rebel against! When the parent-child relationship is built on trust, honesty and autonomy, what could there be to fight about?

I don't like the negativity that is placed upon teenagers. I hear comments such as this, "Oh, you better enjoy them now, because in a few years it will not be this easy." Or something like this, "Oh, you know how teenagers are, get used to it. They never know what they want, except they want to make your life miserable." There was a time when these comments scared me, and made me feel sad. I don't feel that way anymore. I am looking forward to my kids becoming teenagers. I look forward to them coming into their own. I look forward to them discovering more and more about themselves.

I feel sad when I see teenagers that are not being heard, or that are not taken seriously. It saddens me to think that they are labeled as lazy, or that they are judged for wearing strange clothes or having weird hairdos. My hope is that we will start honoring teenagers for who they are, and allowing their voices to be heard and taken seriously. It is a gift to them and to the world if they can be treated with dignity and respect. They are already out in the real world, so let's mentor them and talk to them as we would talk to other people that we respect. Let's show them that the world is a good place, and that they can trust that there are adults that will respect and honor them for who they are.

Mindful and respectful parenting starting from birth can pave the road for a more peaceful relationship when the teen years hit. The good news is, respectful parenting can start no matter how old your children are. Trust can be rebuilt, and peace can be an everyday occurrence in a house with teenagers. Having teenagers does not have to be a stressful time. On the contrary, it may be the beginning of one of the most rewarding, loving, honest relationships you will ever have! Teenagers have a lot of wisdom, and they have a lot to say, IF they are respected and honored for who they are.

Come and visit me on my website for more on personal growth, mindful parenting and living, and much more at www.benurtured.com.

posted by joyfulparent on 7/20/2009 1:05 pm | COMMENTS (5)

Comments (4)

I would love to hear some specifics from the community you are a part of, for HOW to nurture positive, peaceful relationships with teens. I feel like I wake up each day extending respect to and recognizing dignity in my 14-year-old son, yet 90 percent of our subsequent interactions are beset by conflict. He complains about nearly everything, from what I've made for breakfast to being asked to walk the dog (we all take turns) or take out the trash (one of his weekly chores, of relatively few) to any number of other things. Lately, he has taken issue in public with things I've said or asked him politely to do, causing embarrassment to me and the rest of the family. It's tough to offer respect to a kid who is continually arguing with every single thing I say! I know that "individuation" is a normal part of adolescence, but our lives are tense and unpleasant a great majority of the time. Sadly, my experience with a teenager thus far fits those stereotypical descriptions, despite my best efforts. How do we keep it respectful and peaceful w/o my completely forsaking my authority (necessary, reasonable and important) as a parent?

posted by BoulderBlogger on 7/20/2009 11:54 pm

Well, there are many websites and books that I can suggest if that would help? I have learned in my relationship with my kids that when there is struggle in our relationship, it means that there is something that I need to work on personally. This was the hardest thing for me to understand when I started down the road to peaceful parenting. I can tell you also that when I talk to unschooling parents of teens, this is what they do. Before I came to learn about mindful,peaceful parenting, and unschooling, I thought that I needed to make my kids do certain things and that I had to be an authority figure. I quickly realized that I could not have a respectful, peaceful relationship if I was putting myself in an authoritative role. I had to shift my role to partner instead. When kids know that someone is "on their side" , and not trying to force them to do things, the relationship becomes more peaceful.

We have been taught that it is bad or wrong to be a "friend" to our children. We have been made to believe that they will take advantage of us if we don't give them responsibilities and rules. Yes, it is scary at first to let all of this go. I don't mean to give your children the impression that you just don't care, that is not it at all. When we do this, it actually creates more communication with them, which lets them know that you want more of a relationship, not less. I just mean to drop the authority role, and become a partner in helping them to get their needs met. Your son may be wanting some autonomy-he may want to be able to choose whether or not he takes out the garbage, walks the dog etc. But, along with this is a conversation with him about what he is needing. It will not magically change overnight, but he will start seeing that his needs are being taken into consideration, instead of him being forced to do things. I always come back to the example that we all do things more readily when they come from our heart, when we decide what feels good to us. When kids are lashing out or saying things that we find offensive, it is because there is an underlying need not being met. Our job is to help them get those needs met.

Movies and television shows almost always show teens rolling their eyes or talking about how "lame" their parents are, so teens are being taught that this is normal behavior. Parents then get frustrated,and they hear that this is "normal" teen behavior, so that perpetuates the cycle.

I think that starting from square one, so to speak, and being completely honest with your son. Tell him that you really want to have an authentic relationship with him, if this is what you are wanting. Tell him that you want to be a partner to him and you want him to be able to come to you to let you know that he isn't happy about the way the chores are set, or that he feels he doesn't get to choose whether or not he walks the dog that day. Obviously, the dog needs a walk, but by starting a conversation with your son, he may be able to voice why he is getting angry. He may be able to make other suggestions that everyone could agree upon. The fact that he has a voice about it will make a huge difference.

Letting him know that his feelings are okay and that he won't be in trouble if he voices his opinion is a very important step. He needs to know that he has choices. Once kids know that they have a choice, they start doing things without being asked to. Teens want to contribute to society in a healthy way, it is human nature. They want to be accepted. They need support as the young adults that they are. If he is feeling like he doesn't have choices-he may be feeling really helpless, which makes for an unhappy, grumpy person.

Compromise has become a big part of our lives. I have learned that just because something is important to me doesn't mean it is important to the other family members. There are times when I lovingly choose to do things for my kids because I want to model doing things for them. So, for instance, if my son didn't want to take out the trash one day, I would say to him, how about if I do it, it seems like you are really tired, etc. I don't mean to be a martyr, this is just a whole new way to look at things. I just make sure that every one of us feels heard, and then we can always find a way to make things work. It just may look very different from the original plan! Just for reference, my kids don't have "chores", we just all pitch in to get things done, or not. Many things that I thought were things that "had to be done", really aren't. And, I have learned that if someone really bothers ME, then I fix it or clean it up etc.

I hope this helped a little. I am very passionate about this subject, so I could go on forever! I would be glad to voice my opinion on any other questions for you if that would help. lol Your son is very fortunate to have a mom that is so concerned about his happiness. It is not an easy shift at first, but once the shift to a more peaceful way happens, it opens you up to the most incredible possibilities.

I recommend the book Time-Out For Parents, A Guide To Compassionate Parenting by Cheri Huber. (This is somewhat geared for younger kids, but has helpful information for parenting in general), Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, and also Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Cooperation by Sura Hart. Also, The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn. Don't let the title scare you-is says how to quit school and get a real life and education. It is just a really good resource for helping teens (in school and out) of feeling empowered in their lives. Let me know if you want more resources for unschooling articles about teens.

posted by joyfulparent on 7/21/2009 10:33 pm

Lovely post! I'm an 18 year old longtime unschooler, and I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. Sure, we argue sometimes, but my mother especially is not only my mom, but also one of my best friends. We have an extremely open, honest, and non-judgmental relationship, and can and do happily discuss anything from sex and drugs to herbal healing and anarcho-primitivism. My mother, sister, and I have wonderful (and often very long) discussions on a huge variety of subjects! Also, the respect for teenagers that my mother (and father to a lesser extant) has is appreciated not only by my sister (16) and I, but also by our friends. They discuss many things in front of or with my mother that they wouldn't even think of mentioning in front of other parents! Teens are people to, with aspirations, interests, opinions, and needs, just like any other human being, and they deserve the same respect that is usually reserved only for older people.

Thanks for writing this! People need to reevaluate the way they look at and treat teens, and perhaps your article can help some people do just that!

Peace, Idzie yes-i-can-write.blogspot.com

posted by Idzie on 7/22/2009 3:36 pm

Thank you for sharing your experience Idzie! I recognized your name from reading your blog. I love hearing about your relationship with your parents, it is very inspiring. I know it will be inspiring for other parents as well. My hope is to keep talking and writing about this subject so that more families can experience the deep connections that can be made through unschooling and respectful, peaceful parenting. Great to hear your voice!!

Thank you!! Amie

posted by joyfulparent on 7/22/2009 7:28 pm