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Alone, but not lonely
There are many people I know who just shudder at the thought of being alone. For them, it is akin to being lonely, abandoned, unloved and even rejected by the world at large. Being basically a loner, I am often given funny labels for my intrinsic need to be alone most of the time. Hermit, reclusive, ‘solitary reaper’, self indulgent, weirdo... as you can see, it doesn’t get any better.
Believe me, it is not exactly pretty to explain that ‘alone is not lonely’ but a rather blessed state, and I love my solitude as much as the company of few good people in my life. Some people freak out when I tell them that I frequently go for a movie alone, eat at a restaurant alone and often set out on a vacation alone, without needing or wanting anyone’s company. And I do not consider myself unlovable or rejected by the world when I am enjoying a solitary lunch at my favourite café.
If you are also one of those who are still singing solo songs, then I am sure there are times when well-meaning friends and relatives have asked you about your perceived loneliness. And if you are like me, you would agree that even if we are alone and single, we can enjoy our solitary pursuits without feeling lonely, sad and waiting desperately to fling ourselves at Cupid’s feet in tearful gratitude at the first given chance.
All this doesn’t mean that I never feel lonely. I do. There are times when I have ‘heart flakes’ for breakfast! But I have learned the difference between ‘alone’ and ‘lonely.' I have also discovered that there are as many ‘ups’ in going solo as there are the ‘downs,' and I have, more or less, become skilled at balancing them out.
However, without intellectualizing, theorizing and analyzing singlehood too much, I would like to learn why is there such mortal fear of being alone? It is only when we are alone that we are able to regain our scattered energies, withdraw them from objects of anxieties and become centered enough to get in touch with our inner selves. The more we look at external supports to pull us out of the misery of loneliness, the deeper we get into it. When we are surrounded by solitude, all external support is abandoned, and we are alone and facing ourselves. We learn to trust our instincts, discover the profound silences of our heart and tune in to our deeper vibrations. Being alone does not necessarily mean that we are lonely and without a companion, in fact, it means we have the ability to do it on our own.
Loneliness is a malady. It can be triggered by a range of things from simple physical exhaustion to major loss. It can vary from a feeling of sadness at a loved one’s absence or a feeling of being excluded from an important event to a heart-breaking, all encompassing feeling of desolation and loss. We all have our moments when loneliness find us defenseless and wanting. But when we learn to comprehend the triggers and root causes of loneliness, we ascertain how to handle it effectively. When we are alone and are enjoying it, we shun the wretchedness of feeling lonely and move from living on the surface of life to living a more elevating one. We send out a message that we have got grit, spirits and guts, and even if the world deserts us, we are there for ourselves.
On the other hand, we must know that loneliness does not arise out of isolation from others. It is when we are isolated from ourselves that loneliness makes its presence felt. It is the distracted and fragmentary life that we live that makes us feel lonely and prevents us from living in the present moment; because when we are feeling lonely, our mind is crowded with internal dialogues, memories of the past and apprehensions about the future.
The Austrian neurologist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Emil Frankl said, “We need types of leisure which allow for contemplation and meditation. To this end people need the courage to be lonely.”
My personal definition of this phrase is that once we have the courage to be lonely, the experience of loneliness offers us the chance for personal development and growth. If we move through the emotion with serenity, we may find that we are enriched and transformed by it.
Being alone is such an interesting space. I agree that so many people have absolutely no idea how to be alone. My friend said to me the other day, “I’m going to the movies by myself for the first time. Is that weird?”
I believe that being okay (and even enjoying) being alone signifies that you are okay with WHO you are. It is loving who you are and the company you provide. When a person is restless when she is by herself, there is something out of alignment within her. But when she can be alone and be peaceful, oh, it is beautiful. I think, too, that this alignment and peace within oneself carries over and affects our ability to be in relationship with others. When we aren’t constantly worried about who we are and how people perceive us, we can be completely present and engaged with the people we meet. Learning to be alone is something that we should all challenge ourselves to do.
posted by britanyph on 3/20/2009 12:32 pm