Finding Happiness

"Happiness does not come from success, success comes from happiness" - Buddha

I do that. I have a concept of success in my mind: business man, spiritual, no negative thoughts and feelings, no fear or complaining, confident, loving, beautiful and strong. I believe that if I have that I'll be happy. I'm regularly not happy because of it.

When I feel fear or ashamed, I'm actually ashamed of the feeling itself. I'm ashamed of being ashamed. I don't accept that a part of me has that, i get angry and try to deny it. Believe me, it doesn't work, the negative energy only grows.

So, in Buddha's idea, can I first be happy and then reach the concept of success, or am I supposed to reach success in order to be happy? It seems hard to do, to be happy with my current life situation. But I tried it, just smiling and being happy with the side that I like to call my old side, the old, small, scared and self pitying Luca. It actually works. I can be happy with the thought that I had very negative experiences in my youth and that I felt horrible and ashamed and afraid. YES I CAN!

I can accept it, love it and say that it was the right reaction at the time, that I had all right to feel that way and that it's completely fine. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I felt horrible when they bullied me, even worse when they laughed at my fear and shame. However, I feel more whole now, more at peace. I'm me.