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Say, sorry!
This is one of those words, which our mom taught us, before we went to school and learned it in our ‘Rapid English Reader’ book. Say sorry when you make a mistake. Say sorry even when you have not made a mistake because in some way it was your fault that the other person was hurt.
It seeped into the subconscious so deeply that often I found myself saying sorry to tables and chairs and doors if I dashed against it while walking carelessly. “Ouch! Sorry.”
I would rub my knee or the elbow and say sorry to the table for dashing into it!
But the private nursing of the wounds would always accompany a silent curse or two thrown at the cruel table or the door.
After all, the bruises remain long after the hurt has subsided.
My English teacher would say sorry every time the chalk would make a screeching sound on the blackboard while she wrote on it. I remember how revolting that sound always felt. We would all cringe overtly, as if someone is scraping the insides of our brain. But somehow her saying sorry always minimized the effect. She would often turn her head and throw a smile at the class, as recompense; although it wasn’t her fault that the chalk was not feeling compatible with the blackboard!
Is Sorry necessary? I know it is an important word. But is it necessary, especially in close relationships? And if it is essential to say ‘sorry’ then aren’t we taking umbrage in the fact that no matter what we do or say, a mere sorry can put things right?
Sometimes we might be inclined to misuse the word.
According to P.G Woodhouse: “ Never say sorry. The right kinds of people don’t expect it. The wrong kinds take mean advantage of it.”
Take for example ‘Love Story’, the best selling short novel by Eric Segal. This poignant little story had a phrase “Love means not ever having to say you are sorry”. Later when the film came in 1970, it had a tagline on all its posters with a slight variation. “Love means never having to say you are sorry.”
Ali MacGraw and Ryan O’Neal were the lead pair in this sentimental drama and those were the days when every red-blooded lover was chanting it as a magical mantra to their lover. I remember watching a re-run sometime during my college days and was using it with my roommates, friends, often in jest or as a light banter. Sometimes I would use it with a secret and wistful sigh, dreaming of a love like that.
To sum it up, this phrase still has its power, although with different connotations.
Personally speaking, I see the above mentioned phrase as an ‘extreme’ trust in an ‘exclusively ideal’ relationship, where two people are ‘absolutely’ sure of their faith in each other. So much so that nothing could shake up that faith. Their comfort level is abounding and their relationship is unshakably honest. They know where they stand with each other and believe that nothing they ever did would be unforgiving in the relationship.
‘Never having to say sorry’ is also the power of faith in each other’s capacity to forgive and forget or rather overlooking the discrepancies and incongruities.
But all said and done is it possible to have a relationship like that? Aren’t we all secretly defensive about our egos? One little jolt and we are ready to fall apart.
On the other hand wasn’t ‘Love Story’ a fiction?
Most skeptics would say that all love stories are fiction, and real life is different from stories. But I am not a skeptic and I always have believed in fairy tales, as I feel that they profoundly touch upon the deepest morals and lessons of life.
On the other hand despite being critical of this word, I am not wary of saying sorry, especially when I feel that there is a need. What I am apprehensive of is when someone expects or demands it from me. That is the moment when this word loses its dignity and meaning too. For me sorry is looking in the person’s eyes and meaning it from the depths of my heart when I utter it to them. Sorry is when I decide with enough honesty, candor and a real commitment to fix the problem and take a personal responsibility for doing so, rather than ‘having’ to do so.
“Sorry is a dirty word”, Says another popular phrase. Perhaps it was invented by someone who had grown wary of having been ‘taken mean advantage of’ and would rather have nothing to do with it.
However there are times when this word means absolutely nothing, even if it is said with all convictions. For example ‘Medical Malpractice’, where a doctor operates on the wrong side of the body by mistake and says ‘sorry’ to the patient.
It would indeed be an awfully expensive ‘sorry’; for the doctor and the patient both.
For me love is not feeling the need to say you're sorry if what you've done is simply the equivalent of bumping the table. However, if I ever make the sort of mistake in my relationship where my partner is indeed hurt by my words or actions then I hope I can communicate my regret in an appropriate manner. Perhaps my partner won't have such an expectation. Good. That's wonderful. Then surely the fact that I have made my regrets known will be all the more appreciated.
And if the shoe's on the other foot, when my partner expresses regret I trust I can simply say 'thank you', forget the incident and move on.
posted by oznasia on 9/12/2008 4:57 am